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As
Is
by Kathie Hightower
My favorite piece of jewelry is a pewter pin with two simple words inscribed
on it: “As Is.” The artist who created it, Lena Guyot, includes
an explanation with the pin. “On the journey of the self, there
comes a time when we make peace with who we are, respecting our strengths
and accepting our weaknesses. We cease to sit in judgment on ourselves
or others and get on with life.”
I love that thought and have worked hard to get to that space in my
own life. (And yes, I have to work to “hold that thought.”)
I wear my pin often. It’s interesting to see the comments it provokes.
Most women take one look and say, “I love your pin.”
Many men take one look, frown confusedly, and say hesitantly, “What’s
Asis (rhyming with basis)?” My response: “She’s the Egyptian
goddess of reality and I’m one of her disciples.”
Why is it that men don’t get it? I think it comes from the fact
that men don’t shop as often in a Loehmans or a Mervyns or other
discount store. They don’t immediately recognize the term “as
is.” As is: flaws and all. As is: Accept me despite my weaknesses.
I might be working toward my goals to make changes in things I’m
not thrilled with. But I don’t beat myself up over those things.
I accept them lovingly as I work to make changes. And some of my “weaknesses”
I choose to let go. I think the “As Is” idea covers a number
of other important concepts.
• First, be grateful for our lives as they already are. That means
counting our blessings. We have a lot to be grateful for in our lives,
but many of us take them for granted. Our health is one example. Most
of us don’t think about it — until we get sick. The problem
with taking things for granted, is that when you do that — when
you don’t acknowledge them and take steps to keep them in your
life — they sometimes go away.
The other aspect of this is that by focusing on the good, you aren’t
focusing on the negative. Trust me, I learned this the hard way in my
own life. This is how it works. If you focus on the negative, you become
more negative. If you focus instead on the positive, you become more
positive. And I can tell you from experience, the second way is a much
more pleasant way to live your life.
I think I really first learned to count my blessings when my husband
was in Bosnia during the war, working for the UN Protection Forces —
the “blue helmets.” I stayed glued to CNN News to find out
what was happening there since we had no way of communicating (other
than erratic mail). As I watched deaths from snipings, people standing
in line trying to get water, bombed-out homes, I found perspective in
my own life.
That lesson stayed with me. Now, very often, when I’m facing a
challenge in my life, I think as I take a shower in the morning, “Kathie,
you don’t have any real problems — you have hot running water,
a roof over your head, plenty of food — and no one is shooting
at you.”
The hot shower has become a trigger for that memory of putting things
in perspective. My life “as is” is far better than many people
in this world will ever experience. I want to be grateful for what I
already have rather than focusing on what is missing.
• Secondly, we often focus on the lack in ourselves — the
things we need to improve or “fix.” Very often we don’t
stop to recognize or acknowledge what is already a strength. A number
of years ago, I took a personal growth course at Ft. Lee, Virginia.
One of the exercises was to check off positive characteristics we had
from a long list provided. We were to give the same list to family members
and friends to have them check off the positives they saw in us. And
they were to mark our top 10 strengths with stars.
That exercise was eye-opening to me as they marked things and starred
things that I didn’t even think of as strengths. Some were traits
I just took for granted. Try your own list with your family and friends.
It’s affirming.
As Lena Guyot goes on to say: “’As Is’ is a proud declaration
to the world and a reminder to ourselves that we’re already quite
wonderful, just the way we are.”
©1998-2001, Kathie Hightower
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Saying
No To Opportunity
by Kathie Hightower
I’ve learned over time to say no to the things that I don’t
want to do in life in order to be able to say yes to the things that
I do want to do.
However, there’s a bit of a Catch 22 here. I’m still overwhelmed
at times. What’s that saying? “Too much of a good thing...”
You can be doing only things you love to do and still get stressed out.
If you are racing from one fantastic event or experience to another
with no down time or pause in between, you are setting yourself up for
a fall. I know what happens to me if I take on too much. My body rebels
and I get sick. (And illness presents one of the toughest time management
challenges of all — during and after. So I want to avoid it.)
My challenge now is learning to say no again — only now it is learning
to say no to opportunity. I need to learn how to say no to things I
DO want to do, but that would make my life crazy if I do them right
now.
I’m learning new tricks and tools. I use my calendar as a tool
to alert me to possible overload. When I have a big event like a convention
keynote speech or a magazine article deadline, I circle it in red in
my calendar. My rule is to save at least one day on each side of those
events for prep time and down time.
Another thing that helps me is weekly planning. This allows me to see
the big picture of what I have to do. Often I’ll notice that some
appointment I made long ago no longer makes sense or is feasible. In
the past I would have kept that appointment sacred and just dealt with
a crazy schedule — or possibly neglected something even more important.
Now, I’ve learned to call and see if I can reschedule or even cancel.
What fascinates me is that almost every time I’ve had to do that,
the other person has thanked me because their schedule too had gotten
crazy since we initially made our plans.
Most importantly, I have ways to make my decision. The first step is
to get clear on your overall dream and see if the opportunity is on
track to get you to that end result.
I keep an index card in my calendar book. On it I listed the things/activities/people
that are important to me — that are my priorities in life. Before
I say yes to something big, I check through that list to see if the
request fits in. On the other side of the card I have specific questions
for when I’m asked to speak to a group. These again are based on
my priorities. I want to make conscious choices in what I take on —
based on my values not based on the fee involved.
When I’m asked to do something I really want to do, but I can tell
it would make my life too hectic if I take it on, I ask a few other
questions to help me decide.
• Will this opportunity ever come again if I don’t do it now?
• Is there a possibility of shifting it to a better time? (Sometimes
all it takes is asking the question.)
• Are there other things I could shift or give up to allow space
for this?
• And, if no shifting is possible, do I want to do it badly enough
that I’m willing to accept a time period of overload and craziness
in order to do it? (Sometimes I do, but I want to be conscious that
that is what I’m choosing to do. And it stops me from complaining
and whining if I make a conscious choice.)
These decisions are not easy, obvious decisions. That’s when being
really clear on your priorities comes into play. And remember, pause
and downtime, rest and recuperation, should be right up there with your
other top priorities.
Sidebar
Great Resource!: How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty by Patti
Breitman and Connie Hatch, Broadway Books, 2000.
©2000-2001, Kathie Hightower
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Slowing
Down
by Kathie Hightower
I remember Charms Lollipops. Growing up in Berlin, Germany, we could
buy Charms pops at the movie theater for a nickel. You could make one
lollipop last the entire two hours of a movie. Toward the end we liked
to look through the lollipop to see the screen in a different color
— usually red or orange for me.
Not once do I remember thinking: "Boy, I wish I could get rid of
this lollipop faster — I wish it were over with!"
So who came up with this new invention I first found in our little town
of Bammental, Germany, and now see in stores all over the U.S.? The
Pop Machine — or Turbo-Lutscher (Turbo-Sucker). You put a lollipop
(the size of a Tootsie Pop) in the top, push the ON button and the battery-operated
machine turns your lollipop for you. Faster pleasures, I guess. Saves
you having to lick — just stick out your tongue.
The Pop Machine is a symbol for me — a symbol of the last straw
as our world gets faster and faster. Fax me right away. Call me on my
cell phone. Your photos developed in one hour. Drive through dry cleaning
and cappucino service. Remote controls for everything. Bread machines.
Cake icing in a can. Pudding in a tub.
I remember one evening in Berlin when I was nine. We had some older
German friends over one night for dinner. As they watched my younger
brother make Jello Instant Pudding they were amazed that you didn't
have to cook it. "Cook pudding?" we asked. Why would you do
that? Just add milk and stir and stick it in the fridge. Now you don't
even need those few steps. Just open.
So where does it all end? I sometimes feel like screaming, "Stop
the world — I want to get off." Or better yet, maybe I should
be singing "Slow down — you move too fast — you've got
to make the morning last."
Obviously, I'm not the only one that feels this way. I've been reading
books and articles about a trend to get back to the basics, to get back
to a simpler, slower life. Books like Simple Living, Voluntary Simplicity,
Plain and Simple, Downshifting, and Simple Abundance speak
to this movement.
People want to slow down. To savor the long, slow process of baking
bread or cookies. To enjoy the time and daydreaming of washing the dishes
by hand and drying each slowly while you look out the window or talk
with your family. To sit on the front porch and watch the neighborhood.
To grow your own vegetables. To hang your laundry out on the line.
I read a book that sums this all up in its title: Slowing Down in
a Speeded Up World. The author, Adair Lara, a San Francisco columnist,
feeling overwhelmed herself, asked her readers: "What do you do?
What's your version of hanging out the wash?" Within days she had
hundreds of people writing in to share the ways of slowing down that
they had discovered.
As she says, "The way to slow down in a hectic world is not to
find even more ways of saving time, but to look for ways to spend it."
The ways her readers shared included things like writing letters in
longhand even if they owned computers, washing dishes though they have
dishwashers, refusing to use the car on Saturdays, arriving early to
doctors appointments, stepping out in the yard just to look up at the
sky and breathe.
I use tricks to help me. I have a magnet from my favorite artist, SARK,
staring at me at work: "STOP DOING — just for this moment."
It reminds me to be rather than do. I use every red light as a reminder
to stop and breathe and stretch. Each time my phone rings I pause and
breath for a few moments reminding myself to be in the moment —
to pay attention.
I walk around my neighborhood just for the pleasure of looking at all
the beautiful flowers — and, yes, I do stop to smell them. I stop
whatever I'm doing just to pet my cat and pay attention to his purring
when he jumps in my lap. I sit with a cup of tea and just look out at
my garden and listen to the birds. I stop to admire the sunset —
and breathe. I slow down and enjoy sweeping the floor rather than rushing
to check that chore off my list. I admit that I'm not ready to get rid
of my dishwasher or clothes dryer. But I might just choose not to use
them every now and then.
And for now I think I might just go buy a Charms Lollipop and spend
a long afternoon at the movies.
©1997, Kathie J. Hightower
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Support
Teams: Creating the Life You Want
by Kathie Hightower
In 1989 at Ft. Lewis, Washington, I decided to take a leap and start
my own business — very scary! Someone heard what I was doing and
said, "You should meet Reba Bruni — it sounds like you two
have a lot in common." We met for a lunch that turned into one
of those amazing connections. We talked non-stop for hours and came
out of the restaurant full of ideas, energy and motivation. I told Reba,
"We need to keep meeting."
That is how my first support team was born. We found four other women
with dreams of their own and started meeting weekly to help each other
with ideas, to nudge each other along, and to provide the support we
each needed to keep going for what we wanted — and in many cases,
to first figure out what exactly it was that we wanted!
Since then, with each move, I've created a new team. Once you've been
part of one, you will always want to be part of one.
The group I started while living in Germany continues today as a Virtual
Group over the Internet. With members in Germany, DC, Wisconsin, Oklahoma
and Oregon, we brainstorm and support each other via email. But I’m
also a member of a “live” group here. Email is great but it
doesn’t quite replace the immediacy and synergy of face-to-face
interaction and brainstorming. And virtual hugs don’t quite replace
real ones.
These groups work so well for a number of reasons.
• The accountability factor. We have to admit each meeting whether
or not we accomplished the mini-goals we each set the meeting before—
which everyone wrote down! It’s much easier to justify procrastination
when you are only accountable to yourself. It is much harder to face
four or five other people and say “I didn’t do it — again!”
• The expansion of resources, contacts and ideas. You are only
one person with one set of experiences and ideas. The group not only
brings in all of their ideas to add to yours, but the synergy of the
group in brainstorming creates completely new ideas. You might see only
one way to accomplish what you want — and it may not be feasible
based on your location or finances or experience level. The group will
help come up with alternate paths that are feasible right now.
• Courage. The group provides a sounding board for your doubts
and fears and supports yo in pushing past them, in both practical and
concrete ways, and at an emotional level. Sometimes group members physically
go along to provide moral support during a challenging task.
• Your own personal cheering squad. When you succeed at something,
your group helps you celebrate. When you are feeling down, it helps
to be around “up” people who can remind you that you won’t
always feel this way.
• Additional “antennae.” Since they all know your dream,
they bring in resources, articles, contacts, and information for you
that they happen to run across — information that you might never
have run across yourself.
• Possibility thinking. As you see others move towards what they
want and succeed, you get inspired and motivated to take action yourself.
Is this type of team only for people trying to run their own business?
Not at all! It doesn't matter what your dreams or goals are — they
can be personal, parenting, spiritual, physical, financial, educational,
whatever! They can be small or large, short-term or long-term. The group
is just a means to get — and keep — you moving towards something
you want. And you have a lot of fun, laughter and great conversation
in the process!
©1998, Kathie Hightower
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