Being a Beginner Again or "Not Bad for an 8-year-old!"
by Kathie Hightower

I saw the looks on the kids’ faces as I skated by them and fell to the ground. What's this adult doing rollerblading, or — to be more accurate — trying to rollerblade in the halls of our elementary school?

I was having one new experience, trying to learn to rollerblade, especially trying to learn how to stop. I was enjoying the added plus of rollerblading through the halls of a school, past pint-sized waterfountains.

The only certified rollerblade instructor I could find in Corvallis was an elementary school PT teacher who had arranged a grant to teach kids how to rollerblade safely. I convinced her to give me a short lesson.

As she and her six-year-old daughter skated circles around me, I was reminded of a lesson I learned many years ago.
I grew up trying things once and then giving up if they seemed too hard. I tried rollerskating once in high school.

After spending that evening hanging on to the side of the ring in fear, I quit and never tried it again. I tried baking a pie, failed and gave up on future pies. I carried that fear of failure into adulthood, often keeping me from trying new things.

Then I read Henriette Klauser’s book Writing on Both Sides of the Brain. A writer’s book, it also addressed a lot of psychological issues. One lesson struck me then and stuck with me: "Not bad for an 8-year-old."

As Henriette points out, when one of our 8-year-old kids tries something for the first time and doesn’t do so hot with it, what’s our response? We don’t say, "That’s terrible — you should never try doing that again." We praise them and encourage them and help them do better.

So, why is it, that as adults, we seem to think we should be able to do things well the first time? If you have never tried baking — or changing the oil in the car — or rollerblading before, you are a beginner, no matter how old you are. As a beginner, you logically aren’t going to do it well the first time. You have to learn by doing. through trial and error, or through lessons.

Soon after I read her book. I baked a blackberry pie. I picked the blackberries myself and made a dough from scratch. The pie didn't look perfect of course, but it tasted good. And I said to myself, and to my husband, "not bad for an eight year old!"

Sometime after that my husband Greg, decided to finish off a downstairs closet in our house; something we’d been thinking about doing since we’d moved in two years earlier. However, Greg had never done anything like that before which made it hard to know how to start. A few days later, he dragged me downstairs to show me the finished product, pointing out the things that could have been done better. But then he looked at me and said, "Not bad for an 8-year-old!"

I just read in Bottom Line Personal that Katherine Gertson, director of The Juilliard School’s evening division, says that most people can master the basics of piano, flute, recorder and guitar fairly easily — at any age. Further proof that you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks.

I’m now a confirmed "life-long learner" and plan to keep trying new things the rest of my life. It makes for a full life — and keeps you young. Think of yourself as an eight year old — what new skill do you want to try? Anyone for rollerblading?

Sidebar:
Make a list of things you’ve always thought about trying — watercolor, learning a language, trying a new sport. Pick one to try out now. Get a book, take a class, ask a friend to show you how.

If you are trying something new — like cooking or gardening — check out the books on the subject in the children’s section of the library. They often have the easiest instructions to start with.
©2000, Kathie Hightower

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Ask for What You Want
by Kathie Hightower

A few years ago a friend of mine, Gail Howerton, coordinated a trip to Nepal. Another friend, Kris, really wanted to go, but she had just started a new job and knew that her boss wouldn't let her take a two-week leave so soon.
"Why does it all have to come at once," she complained to her husband. "Why couldn't the job be starting after the trip instead of right now?" At some point, he got tired of listening to her and passed on these words of wisdom.
"Here you are complaining because your boss won't let you go," he said, "and you haven't even asked him. Why don't you ask him before you complain?"
She did ask him and he happily granted her leave without pay. She got to start the job AND go to Nepal. Because she asked.
I keep Kris in mind whenever I really want something but I expect the answer will be no. It's amazing how often we decide what the other person's response will be without ever giving them the chance to speak. We’ll never know how many opportunities we miss out on just because we don't ask.
There are important things to consider in asking for what you want.
• Be specific. If you tell me you are looking for a job, it would be hard for me to help out. But if you specifically say, "I'm looking for contacts in the hospitality industry in the DC area," I just might be able to give you the contacts you need.
• Be persistent. I heard a speaker talk about marketing who said, "Remember that you have to keep asking because 'No' often doesn't mean 'No.' It often just means 'No, not now.'" I've learned this in marketing my speaking and writing. I sent one query to the same publication every year for four years in a row. I knew it was a good article idea specifically targeted to the audience of that publication. The responses indicated that the timing just wasn't right, not that my idea was wrong for them. On the fourth try, the editor bought it. In the sales world they say that it takes eight sales call to make the sale. Keep asking.
• Get support to help you ask. This is why the Success Team or Mastermind group concept works so well. When you have a hard time asking for what you want, your support group can help you clarify it, help you practice asking, and sometimes even go along to lend moral support when you ask. They can provide the extra "kick in the pants" you need to force you to ask. Whenever I keep putting off asking for something I want, my group calls me on it.
For anyone who has trouble asking, I recommend the book The Aladdin Factor, by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen (Berkley Books). It's full of inspirational examples and tips and techniques. Read it and you can't help but be motivated to ask for what you really want. I kept underlining stories and writing notes in the margin as they reminded me of things I've wanted to ask for but didn't have the guts to. Reading the amazing results others have had gives you motivation to try for yourself.
I recently revisited the book by rereading some of the things I'd underlined. One tip struck me because I haven't been using it as much as I might.
That is to "ask as if you expect to get it." Expect a yes rather than a no and you very likely will manifest one. It certainly changes the way you ask — your word use and tone of voice and body language. All are factors that can impact the way you are perceived by the other person, which might just impact their decision.
Can I tell you that you will always get what you ask for? Of course not. But I can predict what you will get if you fail to ask.
As one of my favorite speakers, Patricia Fripp, says, "Everything in life is a sales situation... and the answer is no if you don't ask."
©1998, Kathie Hightower

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Break the Rules: Create Authenticity
by Kathie Hightower

I attended a workshop on home design by Oregon architect Tom Bender, author of Building With The Breath of Life (Fire River Press, 2000). One comment he made struck me immediately: "Don't look at things the way you think they should be."

He gave examples from his own life. In one house, he and his wife used the dining room as their master bedroom because it had the best setting and view from the window.

"We had no use for a formal dining area since our family ate in the kitchen eating area and, with small children at home, we weren't entertaining much."

His point was to look at how you live rather than living within constraints created by a builder or previous owner, or by what the societal norm happens to be.

Architect Sarah Susanka echoes that idea in The Not So Big House Book: A Blueprint for the Way We Really Live (The Taunton Press, 1998). She describes how many of us today live in houses designed for the lifestyles of those in generations before us.

"At the turn of the new century, most houses are designed for the turn of the last," says Susanka. As she points out, "formal living rooms are rarely used in most houses; they stand almost as memorials to the way we used to live."
That concept of living by others’ ideas and rules struck me again a few weeks later. I was talking about how I wanted to paint some of our rooms in different colors, one in yellow, one in taupe, one in seafoam green. A friend who was visiting said, "But I thought the rule was that you use one color so it flows from one room to another."
Who says? I thought. Whose rule is that and why should I have to abide by it if it doesn't fit with how I want to live?

We buy into a lot of "rules" in our houses — and in our lives: rules that probably made sense when they were created, for the people who created them. But they may be rules that have nothing to do with our own current reality.

We listen to all those rules — or “shoulds” from others— from our parents, from our peers, from society. Everyone seems to know how our house should be designed and decorated, how we should act, what we should do for a living, how we should dress, how we should wear our hair, etc.

Many of us spend most of our lives living those shoulds — conforming to whatever everyone else thinks we should do. With our houses, that can mean we end up with a house full of rooms that we never use. In our lives, it can mean we lose ourselves in the process.

I wrote down a quote from a book by Rita Mae Brown, Venus Envy, where her character says, "The trouble with conforming is that everyone likes you but yourself."

Figure out instead how you want to live, how your family wants to live, what really works for you. Make choices — in your home and in your life — based on your own authenticity.

Break the rules that don’t fit you. Live by who you are — not by who someone else thinks you should be.
©2000, Kathie Hightower

Sidebar
• Make a list of rules that you live by now. Even better, get together with a group of friends and come up with all the rules you can think of. And then decide if they fit or if you are ready to break them. How would you live instead?

• Besides the books I mentioned about creating homes, I recommend:
— Frugal Luxuries: Simple Pleasures to Enhance Your Life and Comfort Your Soul. by Tracey McBride, Bantam Books, 1997.

—Feeling at Home. by Alexandra Stoddard, William Morrow and Co. Inc., 1999, and many of her other books like Creating a Beautiful Home and Making Choices.

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Kiss the Rock: Risktaking
by Kathie Hightower

“Kiss the rock!” our instructor yelled at us. “Forget instinct! Lean into that rock or you’ll flip over!”
My husband and I quickly learned that in whitewater kayaking, when you approach a dangerous rock, you have to lean into that danger — lean into the rock. If you do the opposite, you do flip over. Leaning into the danger is the opposite of your natural instinct, but it gets you through and moving forward.
That’s how it is with taking risks. It may go against your natural instinct, but taking risks moves you forward towards your dreams.

I’m a chicken by nature. I spent a good part of my life taking the safe way, avoiding risks. I eventually learned that taking risks gets you to where you want to go. My friend Julianne compares it to a trapeze. “If you don’t let go, you will never fly.” If you keep your foot safely on first base, you’ll never get to second.

I’ve found ways to trick myself into taking risks.
• Schedule it way down the road. Risks don’t seem that big or bad when they are far away. By the time they arrive, it’s too late to back out. I’m committed and have to go through with it. I did this with my first public speaking engagement, with a trek to Nepal, and with a three-hour radio show. Four months out is a good time for me — it makes the risk seem really small.

• Tell everyone you know that you are going to do something. As one person told me, “That way there is no backing out. You have to go through with it to save face.” And many won’t let you forget it. When I kept saying I wanted to try rollerblading, for example, my mother and sister called me on it by buying me rollerblades for my birthday. Then, after they sat in my closet for 5 months unused, my sister came over and made me try them out.

• Take someone along. It’s easier to do something challenging when you do it with a friend. My friend Jan was afraid of getting a mammogram, so she took a friend. The nurse thought it was such a great idea she said they should start a “Have a Mammogram Together” campaign. I talked a friend into doing the three-hour radio show with me. I figured we wouldn’t both be speechless at the same time. I was right. We had a ball!

• Get a group of supporters. There is good reason why there are so many Master Mind groups or Success Teams or whatever you want to call the various support groups that are out there. It gives you a group to share your fears with — and to get courage from. As Barbara Sher says in her book Teamworks, “Everyone has more courage for others than they do for themselves.” In a group you help give other people courage to face their fears, and they give you courage in return.

• Don’t let the fear of making a mistake stop you. If we don’t make mistakes, how do we ever learn? As Sophia Loren, says, “Making mistakes is part of the dues one pays for a full life.”

• Start small and build up. You build your courage along the way. When I first started writing for publication, I started with a low threat publication. I asked the editor of a club that I belonged to if I could write a regular column for the newsletter. As I saw more of my articles in print and got some good response, it gave me the courage to send out query letters to larger publications. It’s like mountain climbing. You don’t start with Mt. Everest. You start by climbing smaller peaks to develop your skills and your courage.

• Flex your risk-taking muscle with even smaller things. I heard Kate Brand, author of Risk Taking for Chickens, suggest this in a seminar. Purposefully look for daily opportunities to flex that muscle. Order a new food on a menu, take a different route to work, talk to a stranger, listen to a new kind of music. With each mini-risk, you build your ability to take on larger ones.

Kate used a quote that stuck with me: “You don’t want to tiptoe through life just to reach death at the end.” You’ve probably heard of the number of older people who have said, “It’s not the things I did that I regret — it’s the things I didn’t do.”

No tiptoeing for me — I’d rather kiss the rock!
©Kathie Hightower, 1998

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One Key to Innovation: Listen to Your Customers
by Kathie Hightower

Our friend John showed up for cross-country skiing with the latest toy — a Camelback water holder on his back. As we asked questions about it — how much does it hold, how much did it cost — one comment he made slid by me quickly only to hit me hard later on. "I used it for the first time snowboarding the other day," he said. "That’s the first time I haven’t had cramps in my legs."

A week later I was at the Snoqualmie Ski Resort with my sister. She had finally convinced me to try downhill skiing again for the first time in eleven years. As I automatically started to strap on the butt pack and water bottle holder I use for hiking and cross-country skiing, I realized that it probably would get in the way of the my poles — and would make it difficult to sit on the lift. So I left it behind. And realized I’d have to leave my water bottle in the rental place next to my shoes. So I took a last swig and headed out.

Two hours later I realized I was extremely thirsty, a sure sign that dehydration has already set in. I had to ski back to the rental place, take my skis off and clomp into the building in order to get some water.

I stood outside drinking and watching the rest of the skiers and snowboarders. Not a water bottle in sight. No water fountains easily accessible. Now, let’s think about this. I’ve studied exercise for years and we’ve all been told over and over how important it is to stay hydrated. When I work out at the Y, that message has taken hold. Everyone I see carries a water bottle or makes frequent trips to the water fountain.

I thought immediately, "If I were in charge of marketing for Camelback, I’d jump on this. There’s a huge market in downhill skiers and snowboarders — people already primed to spend lots of money on their favorite sport. All you’d have to do is point out how this would improve your performance." Of course, you might also want to decorate those Camelbacks in some "Xtreme" designs and colors to appeal to this crowd. And get some top skier’s and snowboarders to endorse them. But I’m getting away from the first idea here.

And that is — one way to be innovative in business is to ask yourself how people are using your product. Very often it isn’t automatically in the way you expected them to use it. Customers are very creative — they’ll show you ways to expand your business if you pay attention and listen.

• When Avon came out with Skin So Soft I’m sure there wasn’t a thought of "Hey, we can use it for mosquito repellent." The customers figured that out and word spread. I wonder what percentage of sales come from mosquito-repellent stories rather than moisturizing properties? Recently a friend of mine announced in our women’s group that she was doing a bike ride in New Orleans and was concerned about the mosquitoes at that time of year. Four of us immediately said, "Get Avon’s Skin-So-Soft." Not one of the four uses Avon products but we all knew about this. That is powerful word-of-mouth marketing.
• Arm & Hammer Baking Soda was developed to use in baking. Before long, there was a box in almost every refrigerator in America, absorbing odors. (Okay, that may be a bit of stretch but you get the point.) Arm & Hammer picked up on that fact and created a box made for the refrigerator—with a little screen over the opening to avoid spills. They went on to consider "Where else are there odors to absorb?" and before long, people were using it in kitty litter boxes. Eventually they came out with their own brand of kitty litter with the baking soda already included.

What’s good for the kitty litter box is good for…your mouth?! I can’t imagine who ever thought of putting baking soda in their mouth to clean their teeth — that would never have crossed my mind! But someone did. (I don’t know, maybe it was someone thinking "Where else are there odors to absorb?") The company paid attention and before you knew it, you have toothpaste made with baking soda.

• I was thrilled to see Rubbermaid’s new "Hip Hugger" laundry basket. I can’t tell you how many plastic laundry baskets I’ve ruined by holding them on one side with the other against my hip as I opened the door to the laundry area, eventually breaking the plastic. Someone at Rubbermaid obviously noticed "How do our customers use it?" and created this new basket. It has a curve on one side for your hip — and handle’s on three sides you can carry it on your hip or out in front of you.
• Somehow someone noticed that people were losing weight by eating Subway Sandwiches. Did a customer write in and tell them? Did a local clerk just notice a frequent customer dropping weight dramatically? I don’t know, but the company paid attention. They used the weight loss in their marketing campaigns. Now, in this country, any trick to help you lose weight — especially one that TELLS you to eat fast food — is bound to grab our attention. It must be working. Subway has recently surpassed McDonald’s as the number one fast food franchise in America.
So listen to your customers. Hey, I wonder if Camelback will give me a free gift for this idea? I could use a Camelback for my next ski trip.

©2002, Kathie Hightower

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