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Follow Your Dreams While You Follow the Military!™
Join Holly and Kathie to learn how to Increase Your Energy,
Decrease Your Stress, and Go for Your Dreams!
An "as we can get to it" newsletter/ezine with
ideas, resources, stories and inspiration so you
can Follow Your Dreams While You Follow the Military™ written by military spouses for
military spouses!

Ezine Military Volume 10 - 2003

In This Issue:

Asking for Help, Accepting Help,
Offering Help
A few years ago, I found out — AFTER the fact — a dear friend had been going through serious depression. Only none of her close friends knew. She hid it well, always putting on a positive front when she was with us. Since our lives were all so busy, we didn’t see the telltale signs. We all felt terrible when we found out. There was so much we could have done to lighten her load — if we’d only known! Every one of us would have gladly stepped in to help. That’s what friends are for, after all. We were hurt that she didn’t trust us enough to talk to us and ask for help.
Have you ever been there? You know how that feels. So turn it around. If you need help, and you don’t let anyone know, you are cheating your friends of the opportunity to help.

Let’s face it. Most military spouses we know happily step in to help others. You really do reap benefits for yourself when you help others. But when it comes to being able to ask for help for ourselves, we are among the worst at doing that.

Holly fits right into that mold — always reaching out to help others but not as good about asking for help when she needs it. When she was a single mom with twin infants while her husband was deployed to Bosnia, that trait came to a head. Here’s what she says now.

"I finally got it. If I were supposed to do things ALL BY MYSELF, I would have been put me here on this earth - all by myself. And it is quite obvious that I am not here by myself — there are angels with skin on them all around to help me. I just had to learn to accept the gifts graciously. That takes awareness and the courage to say YES. And yes, sometimes to ask for that help! "

We’ve heard many stories during this deployment of spouses who had to go into the hospital for a procedure or even a birth, who didn’t let anyone know. They went on their own in some cases with small children in tow, rather than asking for help of their friends and neighbors. Everyone around them felt terrible after they found out.
Think about this. You know how we joke about men who won’t ask for directions when they are lost? Well, it’s just as ridiculous to not ask for help when you need it.


Accepting Help
Holly hit a really low day during her husband’s deployment, before she’d really gotten it that it was okay to ask for help. One of her 4 month old twins was sick and had not been sleeping for days on end. Holly was so sleep deprived she couldn’t think straight. A friend stopped by on her way to work one morning to see how Holly was doing. In just a few minutes she realized that Holly was at the end of her rope. She called for a substitute for her job at school, took over with the kids and told Holly to go to bed.

Of course, Holly started protesting immediately. What is it about us that we can’t just accept needed help graciously. It’s like the fact that we can’t seem to accept a compliment graciously — "Oh, this old thing…"
When someone really wants to help you, thank them and accept their help graciously.

And remember, when you think, "But how can I repay you?" you don’t have to. You will get to help someone else in the future. That is how this military life works. It’s like the title and concept of that wonderful novel, Pay It Forward. You probably can’t repay the person who helps you, but you can pay it forward by helping someone else at a later date. As Holly says now, "There is nothing like the wonderful feeling I get when I can help others now, because I know how I felt when I finally learned to accept the gifts graciously - I was filled with joy."

Offering Help
When you offer help, don’t just say, "What can I do to help?" A lot of us can’t easily verbalize what we need, or we just plain aren’t good at asking for help. With that question, you’ll often get the polite but untrue answer of, "Oh, nothing, don’t worry, I’m fine."
Be specific with your offers of help. Here are some of Holly’s favorites from that time of deployment.

"May I come and over and watch the children for a an hour while you take a rest?"

"I am doing laundry and I would like to come over and pick up all your laundry and clean it for you." Then they would return the laundry to me all folded up - what a wonderful present

I even had a lady in my neighborhood (who was a great cook) deliver a plate of dinner to me - it was just a plate - not a casserole - which I did not need because my husband was deployed and the babies certainly didn't eat solids - but it was whatever she cooked for her family that night. I still remember those dinners!

"I’m going to the commissary. Do you need milk or anything?" What a gift. Getting two babies ready and shopping at the commissary was more of a task then I could handle at times. My needs were simple, a few items, but for me to buy them meant a major undertaking.

And one great way for mutual help during deployment: What many of the spouses would do is trade of. A group of four women would do this. Two of them would take all of the kids for a sleepover one night, allowing the other two mothers to have dinner out together or to rent a video and enjoy an evening, and a morning without kids. Then they would trade off. Taking all the kids is easier when it’s two of you, and it’s a lot more fun to go out to dinner with a friend than by yourself!

And remember, be patient with those who are still learning how to accept help. Continue to offer your help, be sensitive to the fact that she may refuse it at first, don’t take it personally; just make another offer to help at a later time.

And One Last Very Important Thought About Asking for Help. We spend a lot of time in our seminars sharing tools and resources that help you create a life that really works for you, to reduce stress and increase energy, and to increase joy in life. Those tools will work for most of us most of the time. But there can be times when you need more help, times when you are clinically depressed. It’s important to acknowledge those times and to access the resources that are available. We know from our own experience that when those times do hit, many military spouses are afraid to seek help, thinking it might negatively impact their spouse’s career. Well, there are confidential resources available. Check our resource page on our website for more details at:
http://www.jumpintolife.net/mil_resources.html

TOP

Our Favorite Stress Mgt Tool —
For People Who Have No Time!
Kathie has been doing yoga for a number of years
now. She even took a week long "train the trainer"
course last year. One of our favorite poses that we
often teach in our seminars is a yoga pose that can
help relieve your stress. We do it every evening when
we are traveling or have been standing doing our
seminar for four hours or more.

We’ve taught it to many moms with small children
too. Some find that their kids will even do it with them
allowing them all a little down time. It’s simple, requires
no equipment and can take as little as five to ten minutes
(although 15 is heaven).
Here are a few variations.
(You’ll figure out which feels best for your body.)

Legs up the wall
The classic variation is to lie on the floor next to a wall,
slide your butt up against the wall, swing your legs up the
wall with your back resting on the floor and your arms
lying out by your side. Close your eyes and just let your
body relax. This allows you to reverse gravity a bit. And
it takes all the tension out of your neck, shoulders and
back, areas where many of us carry the weight of the world
all day.

A nice addition is to use an eye pillow over your eyes. These
are small pillows filled with buckseed or rice and usually
aromatherapy like lavender to add to your relaxation. The
weight of the pillow causes your eye muscles to totally relax,
and by blocking out the light you relax even more. Just zone
out for awhile. Let your thoughts and worries go for now.

Chair Variation
If your legs don’t feel comfortable straight up a wall, use a
chair instead. Let the bottom part of your legs rest on the chair.
Arms/back/face follow the instructions above.

Floor Variation
Lie flat on the floor, place your feet flat on the floor with your
knees bent. Relax. To add to the relaxation, put your hands on
your knees and gently rotate your knees in a circular motion,
first in one direction, and then the other. What you are doing is
massaging your lower back, where a lot of us carry extra tension.

Try any of these and see if it doesn’t make a big difference.
Such a simple thing with a big impact on your stress level.

Why is it that everything breaks down as soon as my spouse
deploys? It’s the rule of the military. That washer, the car,
the toilet all work fine until a deployment happens.

Some of us just never learned how to fix those kinds of things.
Not that our husbands all know how either, but it’s easier to deal
with problems like those with two of you there to make decisions.

Well, two CIA spouses who also deal with their husbands being
gone a lot, learned to fix things. In fact, they became the
community experts to help others. And now they’ve put their
knowledge into a book. It’s full of simple to follow instructions.
Dare to Repair (with that wonderful WWII visual of Rosie
the Riveter and We Can Do It! On the cover), by Julie Sussman
and Staphanie Glakas-Tenet, might just be a useful reference for
us all to have, deployment or not.

Copyright 2003 Hightower/Scherer

Share your story:
As part of our research for the Follow Your Dreams
While You Follow the Military™ book, we are
collecting stories of military spouses who have done
just that — created a life, a program, a business, a
career that allows them to pursue their passion as
they live this military life. We’ll share some of
these stories in future issues.

Do you have a dream to share? Either, one you want
help with, or a success story to inspire other military
spouses? Email us at kathie@jumpintolife.net (and
you’ll get a free Joyful Living booklet in thanks for
writing.)

Fun Products
While we work on our Follow Your Dreams While
You Follow the Military‘ book, we have some other
products that can help you create and live your
dream! To order any of these call Kathie tollfree at
866-569-5695 or email or fax in an order— see
contact info at the bottom. And, yes, I can take Visa
or MC (does that make us professional or what?)

The easiest way to order is to go to the product part
of the website, www.jumpintolife.net, and download
an order form to fax or mail or call in.

Creative Living Audiotape Set: (2 tapes,12 minutes)
- on the joyful living concept & goal achieving
tools, tips & resources) $12

Your Enchanted Life: A Journal of Discovery &
Delight (a playbook full of exercises & action
steps) $18

Simple Joys: Little Things That Make a BIG
Difference (a pocket-size book with one idea per
page) $6
*similar ideas in a booklet that can mail in a #10
envelope are in the Joyful Living Booklet $3

Magic Rainbow Glasses
(see the good in Everything) $6

As Is (pewter pins)
Show the world you are already quite wonderful just
the way you are – faults and all! $25

A Follow Your Dreams While You Follow the
Military Workshop at your post/base?
We do four-hour workshops for military spouses.
(These have been called different things in the past
— Joyful Living, Creative Living, Jump Into Life —
we’ve finally settled on what it’s really About —
Follow Your Dream While You Follow the Military.)
We’d love to do all day sessions or 2-3 day retreats
someday too. We have LOTS of information to
share.

Here’s what other military spouses are saying:
"Wunderbar! I have gained worthwhile & valuable
information on how to turn my dreams into reality.
I wish I had a seminar like this to attend 15 years
ago." –Gwendolyn A. Williams

"This was the best thing that happened to me
in Germany!"—Alicka Ampry-Samuel
If you know someone who hires trainers for your
base (often the Family Advocacy Office or ACS),
send us a name and address and we will mail a full
information packet. We’d love to come to your
location.

Feel free to forward this ezine to other military
spouses. We are also happy to have you use any of
the articles in your newsletters providing you ask us
first and then provide us with a copy for our records
and celebration!


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Contact Us:
Kathie Hightower & Holly Scherer
Follow Your Dreams While You Follow the
Military Seminars
kathie@jumpintolife.net
2908 N. Warner Street, Tacoma, Wa 98407;
Tollfree: 866-569-5695;253-761-8161;
fax253-759-4009

Or contact Holly directly in Memphis at
901-756-7391 or email her at
schererjh@earthlink.net

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